I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
S.P.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Apathetic Blogerism
How many of you have wondered about the title of my blog? Probably only one or two of you since the rest of you probably know me well enough to know that I really am apathetic. I have been thinking about it today because it really bugs me that I really don't care about most things. My particular struggle for the day is the paper that I am working on that is due today. I only have about 400 words left to type plus final formatting, and I don't care if I finish or not. It would only be an hour of my life, but I am just not interested. It is a good paper, and I will be proud of it when I am finished; but why bother? What is it going to get me? I will have a nice fat gold star (or what ever they give out for grades these days), and then I can move on to yet another hurdle to the completion of my masters. It isn't even that the topic isn't interesting to me. I got to choose the topic, and it is pretty interesting to me, although I spend more time wondering why people don't write more about it than I have actually working on it. Unfortunately I could write the most earth shattering observations that would revolutionisze the industry, and it wouldn't matter because no one will ever read it besides my professor.
Aside from school, there are many other things I don't care about. Work, life, friendships, chores, entertainment... you name it. There are a couple of friendships that actually are important to me, so I hope that those of you who I invest time in know how special you are. When it comes to work and friendships it really comes down to the expectation that other people will contribute as much to X as I will. For work, why should I bother expending my energy when I can just wait and someone else would do the job? For friendships, why should I care about you if you aren't willing to invest in me and initiate things? I have been having issues with a friendship with a person who care about very deeply, but she has not had the time for me, and will not listen to my advise. In a situation like that what do you do? I can only beat myself against a brick wall so many times before it stops feeling pleasurable. I only do chores when I get too pissed off at the mess, or if I want to make Deb happy. When I am home alone I will sit at the computer aimlessly browsing the web wishing I could do something interesting, but not wanting to put the effort into actually pleasing myself.
I know that ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am a poster child for low level depression, but I don't want to make depression an excuse for my laziness.
I need to get out and do the things that do make me happy more often. I have not done a real photoshoot in 10 months. I don't even remember the last time I went on a real hike (well, I do, but you get my point). You want to know a secret? I love hiking, but it bores me out of my mind. I am too dependent on technology, so I don't like being away from it for that long. I only ended up going to the beach once this summer. I want to rollarblade more often but I don't want to spend the $50 that it would take to get my 'blades up and working again. I want to ride my bike, but I don't want to spend the $100 it would take to get it up and working again (and Josh says it is too small for me).
Once we move things will be a lot better. It will be good to get away from the stress of buying the house and looking for a new job (speaking of which, make sure and pray for me on Friday at 1pm PST cos I'll have an interview up in Fresno for a job that I would die to have).
The one thing that has been exciting throughout everything is my relationship with Deb. I really do care about her, and love spending time with her; even if it is just watching old movies that I can't stand. Making her happy and loving her has been a very bright spark in my life.
All that being said; sometimes I really wonder if I even should put effort into things. I am successful as it is. I have fullfilled all of my life goals and I am only 25. I have a great job (with annoying management, but that doesn't count since all jobs are like that), an amazing wife, and a huge house. Working harder at work would only increase my unhappiness since I would be doing even more unrecognized work. Working harder at school would get me A's instead of B's. When I put my full effort into friendships people think I am being too intense and avoid me. There are a couple of people that I know that I have to be careful of what I talk about so that I don't introduce the possibilty of jealousy into their life. So what is the point? Maybe I need to find something that I can fail at so that I can feel driven to not. I don't think I have ever failed anything in my life other than a couple of classes that I didn't go too (I got b's in all the other classes I didn't go to). I have always had people to cover for me when things go wrong (I love my friends who do care about me).
I guess I have just always had a plan for my life. It has been a rough plan, but a plan none the less. I made sure that key events took place, and just sat back and allowed everything else to happen. (before you ask or comment: yes I have largely gotten where I am because of trusting in God and his blessings. I am just talking about the human element.) Now that I have achieved everything that I wanted it is time for me to set new goals, and to make a new plan. I already have in fact. People have laughed at me because they think it won't happen (depends on too many outside influences), but we will see. I think that is the one thing that does drive me in my life; people telling me I can't do something. I like a good challenge.
Aside from school, there are many other things I don't care about. Work, life, friendships, chores, entertainment... you name it. There are a couple of friendships that actually are important to me, so I hope that those of you who I invest time in know how special you are. When it comes to work and friendships it really comes down to the expectation that other people will contribute as much to X as I will. For work, why should I bother expending my energy when I can just wait and someone else would do the job? For friendships, why should I care about you if you aren't willing to invest in me and initiate things? I have been having issues with a friendship with a person who care about very deeply, but she has not had the time for me, and will not listen to my advise. In a situation like that what do you do? I can only beat myself against a brick wall so many times before it stops feeling pleasurable. I only do chores when I get too pissed off at the mess, or if I want to make Deb happy. When I am home alone I will sit at the computer aimlessly browsing the web wishing I could do something interesting, but not wanting to put the effort into actually pleasing myself.
I know that ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am a poster child for low level depression, but I don't want to make depression an excuse for my laziness.
I need to get out and do the things that do make me happy more often. I have not done a real photoshoot in 10 months. I don't even remember the last time I went on a real hike (well, I do, but you get my point). You want to know a secret? I love hiking, but it bores me out of my mind. I am too dependent on technology, so I don't like being away from it for that long. I only ended up going to the beach once this summer. I want to rollarblade more often but I don't want to spend the $50 that it would take to get my 'blades up and working again. I want to ride my bike, but I don't want to spend the $100 it would take to get it up and working again (and Josh says it is too small for me).
Once we move things will be a lot better. It will be good to get away from the stress of buying the house and looking for a new job (speaking of which, make sure and pray for me on Friday at 1pm PST cos I'll have an interview up in Fresno for a job that I would die to have).
The one thing that has been exciting throughout everything is my relationship with Deb. I really do care about her, and love spending time with her; even if it is just watching old movies that I can't stand. Making her happy and loving her has been a very bright spark in my life.
All that being said; sometimes I really wonder if I even should put effort into things. I am successful as it is. I have fullfilled all of my life goals and I am only 25. I have a great job (with annoying management, but that doesn't count since all jobs are like that), an amazing wife, and a huge house. Working harder at work would only increase my unhappiness since I would be doing even more unrecognized work. Working harder at school would get me A's instead of B's. When I put my full effort into friendships people think I am being too intense and avoid me. There are a couple of people that I know that I have to be careful of what I talk about so that I don't introduce the possibilty of jealousy into their life. So what is the point? Maybe I need to find something that I can fail at so that I can feel driven to not. I don't think I have ever failed anything in my life other than a couple of classes that I didn't go too (I got b's in all the other classes I didn't go to). I have always had people to cover for me when things go wrong (I love my friends who do care about me).
I guess I have just always had a plan for my life. It has been a rough plan, but a plan none the less. I made sure that key events took place, and just sat back and allowed everything else to happen. (before you ask or comment: yes I have largely gotten where I am because of trusting in God and his blessings. I am just talking about the human element.) Now that I have achieved everything that I wanted it is time for me to set new goals, and to make a new plan. I already have in fact. People have laughed at me because they think it won't happen (depends on too many outside influences), but we will see. I think that is the one thing that does drive me in my life; people telling me I can't do something. I like a good challenge.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Friday, October 07, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
Harvey Danger
http://www.harveydanger.com/downloads/
Harvey Danger is offering their latest album for free. Go check it out. For all I know, it stinks, but hey! Its free.
Harvey Danger is offering their latest album for free. Go check it out. For all I know, it stinks, but hey! Its free.
Friday, September 30, 2005
When Is Sex Outside of Marriage OK?
Ooops, left out a couple of words... that should be: "When is Talking About Sex
Outside of Marriage OK?
Odd news for the day:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/09/30/jets_kill_rudolph/
I had a great rant all worked out in my head the other day while I was on the way into work, but by the time I got in I had forgotten what I was going to write about. In fact, I still don’t remember what I was going to write about. It is a shame too; it would have been earth shattering. Nobody’s life would have been the same once they read what I wrote. Oh well.
Life has been busy for the mo… oh who am I kidding? I have been bored out of my mind for the last couple of days because I have been home from work with a bad back. I am not certain how I hurt it, but bowling might have had something to do with it. I woke up Sunday and could barely move it hurt so badly. It has only been today that the pain has reached a level where I think I am actually starting to get better. When my back hurts it really messes with my concentration so anything involving deep thinking is pretty much out of the picture. That basically left me with watching TV all day, and looking up lame stuff on the internet. Now that I am feeling better I have a ton of homework to do; including a 20 page paper that I have to have done by next week.
House stuff is going well. We are still set to close on October 31st. Word to the wise: even when you are buying a new house, make sure that you bring a realtor with you to help you with contract stuff. There were a couple of things on our contract that we forgot to check on that could potentially cause us problems. There will probably be no problems, but I am annoyed that I didn’t catch them at first.
--------------------Married Person Stuff below this point (Fair Warning)---------
I have been thinking… How much does Christianity’s obsession with not talking about sex effect Christian youth and young married couples? How many of you remember being taught about sex while at church? I have memories about being taught about abstinence and purity, and saving yourself for marriage and all that, but that is all. The general feeling was that sex is wrong, and heaven forbid that you should actually talk about it. How many sermons have you heard about the importance of sex once you get to marriage? It is true that sex is taboo as far as the general church population is concerned. The majority of churches that I have seen offer some sort of marriage class that involves some sex talk, but those are usually targeted towards older couples that are having issues with their marriage, or who need to “bring the romance back”. Pre-marital counseling is always offered, and presumably you would talk about sex there, but if you have grown up in a church where sex is taboo, why would you want to talk to your pastor about it? Talk about feeling dirty. I believe that the average Christian grows up in the church being told that sex is bad, and that you have to wait till you are married before you can have sex. Then they are never exposed to anything else till it is time to get married at which point some well meaning married couple will go out and buy them the first Christian sex book that they find at the Christian book store (you wouldn’t want to get caught looking in that section for too long) and give it to the new couple. The new couple will read the book, and learn the importance “of treating your wife like a delicate flower and gently awakening her so that her petals will bloom and release her delicate aroma” (yes, I actually have read that in a sex book before). They digest this new information, get married, and go to have sex, and realize that they have absolute no idea what they are doing. The physical mechanics of sex are pretty obvious and were probably explained at some point in some sex ed class, or by your parents, but what about the roles of the husband and wife in the marriage?
How often is an appropriate amount of times to have sex in the first week of marriage, or the first month, or the first year, or the first decade? What if 5 years down the road the wife feels that all that the husband is interested in is sex, and the husband is incapable of showing interest in other aspects of the wife’s life because he is frustrated at the lack of sex? What if you have a husband who is not interested in sex more than twice a month? How do you deal with these issues? The Christian sponsored appropriate response would be to talk to some one of the same sex that you trust so that you could get advice. How is that person going to give you the correct advice though? They aren’t going to understand the other sex any better that you do. They might not be having the same problem in their life, but it is more likely due to luck than a perfect understanding. Supposedly you should talk to your pastor about stuff like this. First off, that assumes that you have a pastor that you are close enough with to trust, and secondly, it assumes that they even have any experience in the matter (how many pastors are single?). The next most likely answer is that you should talk to a Christian therapist. Again, this assumes a level of trust that most people are not comfortable with. For some people it is perfectly OK to sit down with a perfect stranger and dive into their sex life. For others that is a little over the top.
These issues would become a mute point if our culture allowed for bringing up children and young adults with a better understand of what sex inside of marriage means, and to allow them to feel comfortable with talking about it. We need to help people to see the emotional side of sex. We must remove the Christian social stigma that surrounds sex before our culture gets any worse. We need pastors who can stand up and preach on the excitement of marriage, and what it means to have that emotional bound cemented by the physical act of sex. I believe that this would also serve to help kids abstain from sex, as they would better understand that the thing that they think they (7 Ts) are doing for fun is actually emotionally scaring them and their future spouse for life.
There is a great story of how one day there was a Torrey class that was covering the Songs of Solomon. There was a huge uproar from the students because they thought that it was inappropriate to be discussing it in public. Several of the students even stormed out of the classroom in tears. How sad is it that one the most beautiful examples of what God wants sex to be would be considered unfit for the Christian classroom? People need to understand it, and to see how wonderful it is to love another person.
Going back to the topic of talking about sex with other people; it seams like the favorite thing for married people to talk about with their close friends of both sexes is sex. It is all well and good to talk about it with your spouse, but people want to be able to discuss it, learn about it, compare notes, and figure out if what they are doing is wrong or right. If their sex life is great, then they want to share and help others to have a great one too. If their sex life is bad then they want to fix it. If this is considered as taboo as Christian culture wants to dictate, then where is there left to turn to? How many of you read this and thought “it is wrong for a guy to talk to a girl that he is not married to about sex”? Now think… why did you think that? Why do you think it is wrong? Where in the Bible can you show me that it is wrong? Ok sure, it can potentially invite temptation in. Why? Because we as a culture find the very act of talking about sex to be taboo, and thus find it exciting and “dangerous”. Of course it is very easy to just be careful to not allow yourself to become interested in the other person; just like you have to be careful not to become interested in the other person based on a million other traits. I can guarantee that the very sound of a woman’s voice is just as likely to excite a guy as talking about sex is. Every person has their own foibles. “Wow, I’m having coffee in public with a person I am not married to. Sexy. Take me now!”
Outside of Marriage OK?
Odd news for the day:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/09/30/jets_kill_rudolph/
I had a great rant all worked out in my head the other day while I was on the way into work, but by the time I got in I had forgotten what I was going to write about. In fact, I still don’t remember what I was going to write about. It is a shame too; it would have been earth shattering. Nobody’s life would have been the same once they read what I wrote. Oh well.
Life has been busy for the mo… oh who am I kidding? I have been bored out of my mind for the last couple of days because I have been home from work with a bad back. I am not certain how I hurt it, but bowling might have had something to do with it. I woke up Sunday and could barely move it hurt so badly. It has only been today that the pain has reached a level where I think I am actually starting to get better. When my back hurts it really messes with my concentration so anything involving deep thinking is pretty much out of the picture. That basically left me with watching TV all day, and looking up lame stuff on the internet. Now that I am feeling better I have a ton of homework to do; including a 20 page paper that I have to have done by next week.
House stuff is going well. We are still set to close on October 31st. Word to the wise: even when you are buying a new house, make sure that you bring a realtor with you to help you with contract stuff. There were a couple of things on our contract that we forgot to check on that could potentially cause us problems. There will probably be no problems, but I am annoyed that I didn’t catch them at first.
--------------------Married Person Stuff below this point (Fair Warning)---------
I have been thinking… How much does Christianity’s obsession with not talking about sex effect Christian youth and young married couples? How many of you remember being taught about sex while at church? I have memories about being taught about abstinence and purity, and saving yourself for marriage and all that, but that is all. The general feeling was that sex is wrong, and heaven forbid that you should actually talk about it. How many sermons have you heard about the importance of sex once you get to marriage? It is true that sex is taboo as far as the general church population is concerned. The majority of churches that I have seen offer some sort of marriage class that involves some sex talk, but those are usually targeted towards older couples that are having issues with their marriage, or who need to “bring the romance back”. Pre-marital counseling is always offered, and presumably you would talk about sex there, but if you have grown up in a church where sex is taboo, why would you want to talk to your pastor about it? Talk about feeling dirty. I believe that the average Christian grows up in the church being told that sex is bad, and that you have to wait till you are married before you can have sex. Then they are never exposed to anything else till it is time to get married at which point some well meaning married couple will go out and buy them the first Christian sex book that they find at the Christian book store (you wouldn’t want to get caught looking in that section for too long) and give it to the new couple. The new couple will read the book, and learn the importance “of treating your wife like a delicate flower and gently awakening her so that her petals will bloom and release her delicate aroma” (yes, I actually have read that in a sex book before). They digest this new information, get married, and go to have sex, and realize that they have absolute no idea what they are doing. The physical mechanics of sex are pretty obvious and were probably explained at some point in some sex ed class, or by your parents, but what about the roles of the husband and wife in the marriage?
How often is an appropriate amount of times to have sex in the first week of marriage, or the first month, or the first year, or the first decade? What if 5 years down the road the wife feels that all that the husband is interested in is sex, and the husband is incapable of showing interest in other aspects of the wife’s life because he is frustrated at the lack of sex? What if you have a husband who is not interested in sex more than twice a month? How do you deal with these issues? The Christian sponsored appropriate response would be to talk to some one of the same sex that you trust so that you could get advice. How is that person going to give you the correct advice though? They aren’t going to understand the other sex any better that you do. They might not be having the same problem in their life, but it is more likely due to luck than a perfect understanding. Supposedly you should talk to your pastor about stuff like this. First off, that assumes that you have a pastor that you are close enough with to trust, and secondly, it assumes that they even have any experience in the matter (how many pastors are single?). The next most likely answer is that you should talk to a Christian therapist. Again, this assumes a level of trust that most people are not comfortable with. For some people it is perfectly OK to sit down with a perfect stranger and dive into their sex life. For others that is a little over the top.
These issues would become a mute point if our culture allowed for bringing up children and young adults with a better understand of what sex inside of marriage means, and to allow them to feel comfortable with talking about it. We need to help people to see the emotional side of sex. We must remove the Christian social stigma that surrounds sex before our culture gets any worse. We need pastors who can stand up and preach on the excitement of marriage, and what it means to have that emotional bound cemented by the physical act of sex. I believe that this would also serve to help kids abstain from sex, as they would better understand that the thing that they think they (7 Ts) are doing for fun is actually emotionally scaring them and their future spouse for life.
There is a great story of how one day there was a Torrey class that was covering the Songs of Solomon. There was a huge uproar from the students because they thought that it was inappropriate to be discussing it in public. Several of the students even stormed out of the classroom in tears. How sad is it that one the most beautiful examples of what God wants sex to be would be considered unfit for the Christian classroom? People need to understand it, and to see how wonderful it is to love another person.
Going back to the topic of talking about sex with other people; it seams like the favorite thing for married people to talk about with their close friends of both sexes is sex. It is all well and good to talk about it with your spouse, but people want to be able to discuss it, learn about it, compare notes, and figure out if what they are doing is wrong or right. If their sex life is great, then they want to share and help others to have a great one too. If their sex life is bad then they want to fix it. If this is considered as taboo as Christian culture wants to dictate, then where is there left to turn to? How many of you read this and thought “it is wrong for a guy to talk to a girl that he is not married to about sex”? Now think… why did you think that? Why do you think it is wrong? Where in the Bible can you show me that it is wrong? Ok sure, it can potentially invite temptation in. Why? Because we as a culture find the very act of talking about sex to be taboo, and thus find it exciting and “dangerous”. Of course it is very easy to just be careful to not allow yourself to become interested in the other person; just like you have to be careful not to become interested in the other person based on a million other traits. I can guarantee that the very sound of a woman’s voice is just as likely to excite a guy as talking about sex is. Every person has their own foibles. “Wow, I’m having coffee in public with a person I am not married to. Sexy. Take me now!”
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Out nerding the nerdiest nerds
I got really excited yesterday when I discovered that the version of Visual Studio that I have installed at home includes a binary file viewer.
And in other news that might actually be interesting to somebody...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050916/od_nm/australia_electricity_dc
And in other news that might actually be interesting to somebody...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050916/od_nm/australia_electricity_dc
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Director Level
I was looking at Northrop Grumman jobs to see if I could find a position that would allow me to work from home. I found several jobs that could potentially be good bets, and I e-mailed the managers that were listed on each req. to ask them what they would recommend. Then I pulled up the org charts to see if there were any other managers at the same level that I could e-mail. It turned out that the people I e-mailed were directors directly under the VP of the sector. Oops.
The nice thing is that they returned my e-mails quickly and told me which jobs to apply for. So today I spent several hours making sure my resume was pretty (It was already up to date, but I just re-did it from scratch), and submitted it to 10 different job positions. Hopefully something will turn out OK.
I heard back from another company that I applied for in Visalia today as well. I have an interview scheduled on Tuesday. I am thinking about canceling it though because the pay they are offering is not high enough. Also, I would really prefer to stay with Northrop at this point.
Sigh....
The nice thing is that they returned my e-mails quickly and told me which jobs to apply for. So today I spent several hours making sure my resume was pretty (It was already up to date, but I just re-did it from scratch), and submitted it to 10 different job positions. Hopefully something will turn out OK.
I heard back from another company that I applied for in Visalia today as well. I have an interview scheduled on Tuesday. I am thinking about canceling it though because the pay they are offering is not high enough. Also, I would really prefer to stay with Northrop at this point.
Sigh....
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