Apathetic Blogerism

How many of you have wondered about the title of my blog? Probably only one or two of you since the rest of you probably know me well enough to know that I really am apathetic. I have been thinking about it today because it really bugs me that I really don't care about most things. My particular struggle for the day is the paper that I am working on that is due today. I only have about 400 words left to type plus final formatting, and I don't care if I finish or not. It would only be an hour of my life, but I am just not interested. It is a good paper, and I will be proud of it when I am finished; but why bother? What is it going to get me? I will have a nice fat gold star (or what ever they give out for grades these days), and then I can move on to yet another hurdle to the completion of my masters. It isn't even that the topic isn't interesting to me. I got to choose the topic, and it is pretty interesting to me, although I spend more time wondering why people don't write more about it than I have actually working on it. Unfortunately I could write the most earth shattering observations that would revolutionisze the industry, and it wouldn't matter because no one will ever read it besides my professor.
Aside from school, there are many other things I don't care about. Work, life, friendships, chores, entertainment... you name it. There are a couple of friendships that actually are important to me, so I hope that those of you who I invest time in know how special you are. When it comes to work and friendships it really comes down to the expectation that other people will contribute as much to X as I will. For work, why should I bother expending my energy when I can just wait and someone else would do the job? For friendships, why should I care about you if you aren't willing to invest in me and initiate things? I have been having issues with a friendship with a person who care about very deeply, but she has not had the time for me, and will not listen to my advise. In a situation like that what do you do? I can only beat myself against a brick wall so many times before it stops feeling pleasurable. I only do chores when I get too pissed off at the mess, or if I want to make Deb happy. When I am home alone I will sit at the computer aimlessly browsing the web wishing I could do something interesting, but not wanting to put the effort into actually pleasing myself.
I know that ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am a poster child for low level depression, but I don't want to make depression an excuse for my laziness.
I need to get out and do the things that do make me happy more often. I have not done a real photoshoot in 10 months. I don't even remember the last time I went on a real hike (well, I do, but you get my point). You want to know a secret? I love hiking, but it bores me out of my mind. I am too dependent on technology, so I don't like being away from it for that long. I only ended up going to the beach once this summer. I want to rollarblade more often but I don't want to spend the $50 that it would take to get my 'blades up and working again. I want to ride my bike, but I don't want to spend the $100 it would take to get it up and working again (and Josh says it is too small for me).
Once we move things will be a lot better. It will be good to get away from the stress of buying the house and looking for a new job (speaking of which, make sure and pray for me on Friday at 1pm PST cos I'll have an interview up in Fresno for a job that I would die to have).
The one thing that has been exciting throughout everything is my relationship with Deb. I really do care about her, and love spending time with her; even if it is just watching old movies that I can't stand. Making her happy and loving her has been a very bright spark in my life.

All that being said; sometimes I really wonder if I even should put effort into things. I am successful as it is. I have fullfilled all of my life goals and I am only 25. I have a great job (with annoying management, but that doesn't count since all jobs are like that), an amazing wife, and a huge house. Working harder at work would only increase my unhappiness since I would be doing even more unrecognized work. Working harder at school would get me A's instead of B's. When I put my full effort into friendships people think I am being too intense and avoid me. There are a couple of people that I know that I have to be careful of what I talk about so that I don't introduce the possibilty of jealousy into their life. So what is the point? Maybe I need to find something that I can fail at so that I can feel driven to not. I don't think I have ever failed anything in my life other than a couple of classes that I didn't go too (I got b's in all the other classes I didn't go to). I have always had people to cover for me when things go wrong (I love my friends who do care about me).
I guess I have just always had a plan for my life. It has been a rough plan, but a plan none the less. I made sure that key events took place, and just sat back and allowed everything else to happen. (before you ask or comment: yes I have largely gotten where I am because of trusting in God and his blessings. I am just talking about the human element.) Now that I have achieved everything that I wanted it is time for me to set new goals, and to make a new plan. I already have in fact. People have laughed at me because they think it won't happen (depends on too many outside influences), but we will see. I think that is the one thing that does drive me in my life; people telling me I can't do something. I like a good challenge.